A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME

Laeene, Chumescene, Khierst, Edjeel … These are not words in any language. Rather, these are first names of living persons. Not of foreigners but of persons born to Filipino parents. I have them from a reliable source, my own father. Fancy names top his list of pet peeves. As a doctor, he frequently comes across patients with odd names.

To make his point, he sent me a list of 100 names that sounded okay but were spelled otherwise. The common trick -- my father calls it the "H-fever" syndrome. -- was to insert the letter "H" on an otherwise traditional name. As in Jhose, Jhouna, Grethil, Mhariee and Zhyldon. Other normal sounding names but with peculiar spelling were those of Jaxe, Mykolle, Lutre, and Cherubin.

Others seem to have a penchant for the letter "L" and they invent new names accordingly: Frusjemiel, Weyfrendeli, Bonivel, Diosfiel, Hgnell, Shane, Sartemiel, Necel, Ronwell, Leshiele, and so on.

My officemate Lysle insists her mother named her after the Liezl character from the movie "Sound of Music" but the nurse who filled her birth certificate didn’t know any better.

Royal titles, as in Lord Henry and Lord Jim, are popular. Wouldn’t you love to meet Charles King? At least he’s ahead of Great Britain’s Prince Charles. One couple christened their children Princess Kinashe and Prince Lord. One child, whose parents couldn’t make up their minds, simply goes by the name of Pricely, forgetting about the "n" in the process. If you’re single and desperate to fall in love, perhaps you’d like to make the acquaintance of Prince Heart.

Combining the parents’ names can also yield odd results: Vicson, for Vicente and Sonia. is mild enough. Bensther for Ben and Esther is not. For others, it is better to join two names together and make them one. Just ask the parents of Esthenette and Emmiekate, Jamaicalyne, Karlduanne and Timrod.

Priest sometimes jokes about parents wanting their children to be baptized as Mercedez Benz or Toyota Tamaraw. Here’s one more for the record, Nissan. It seems cars are not only popular source of names. A softdrink-loving couple named their kids Coke Mae, Sprite Ian and Royaly. Saudia is probably a child of an OCW from the Middle East who flew too many time with this airline.

Names don’t have to go by brands. They can be as generic as Cotton Neil, Miror, Bubles, Hamel Car and Cheese Ann.

It’s one thing to name a child after a city like Copenhagen, or a country like Filipinas, but there has to be a limit somewhere. We had a dormmate whom we fondly call Lindy. We found out his lawyer-friend named him Maphilindo after Malaysia, Philippines and Indonesia.

Then we come to adjectives. Beauty is quite popular these days. There’s also Pretty. One proud pair christened their son Pretty Boy. My father wonders what will happen when he reaches the age of 60: We will anyone allow his grandchildren to call him Lolo Pretty Boy? Kleahn, well, that’s a neat name, though not very original as there is also a Kleensie.

Sikee, is okay, I guess. It might have been derived from the word "psyche" for human soul. In Greek mythology she is the nymph whom Eros (Cupid) fell in love with and married. Let’s just hope Sikee is a girl, that’s all.

Who knows what possessed the parents to baptize their child Psychic? The proud and happy father of Masterstroke is either referring to how dad won mom’s hand or how he was conceived. Do you think Quaree’s father works in construction or public works?

Since children represent the future, people now go for modern names. When my officemate had her daughter Patricia baptized, the relatives of another infant at the church snickered at her choice. "Ngalan man na sa tigulang," ("That's an old woman's name") they exclaimed. When she asked them what their baby’s name is, they proudly declared Rusty.

In these days, one cannot always tell the gender of a person by name alone because of "unisex" names. Elfin is a woman and Meldred is a man. I’ve also heard of two men named Jennifer and Milagros. It is fortunate that they only have to present their I.D.s to convince airline and bank employees. Milagros, a salesman, found one advantage. Hotels often assign him his own room while the other salesmen have to share with two or more roommates. No, he has never been assigned a female roommate, though.

When one goes by foreign and exotic names, the results are mixed, Crownwell and Von Peter have a noble ring, don’t you think? Landen Doeter, Rothcin, Jeznev and Rhett Roxyl sound more like medical products or cleaning agents. As for Heiji, Eiji, Jib, Kaiza, Marcrizabelle and Shulammite ... maybe their parents have read too many National Geographic magazines.

Some names simply defy logic ... and spelling: Dangidrym, Arron Yhemany Ghany, Qwencylyn, Jephonneh and Mherdzjoevan. And how does one pronounce Chechenabeth and Reachanne, anyway?

There are other fancy names, so whimsical they are almost cute. Wingkie, Wella, Jibbie, Sugi, Melgri, and Flyne.

So why do parents five their children such unusual monikers? Why inflict a label that will subject the child to ridicule, embarrassment and likely scar him for life? Or why give a name that will only be misspelled and mispronounced 99 per cent of the time? Or a name that he or she has to explain in the first ten minutes every time he or she makes an acquaintance?

The Bard might think that a rose by any other name is still a rose. But any child to his or her parents is special. And so they bequeath a special name like Rajema or Elphie to tell the world "my daughter is unique, she is one of a kind."

There’s nothing wrong in endowing on your child a name that is all his or hers alone. Just don’t get carried away, please. No more Gregeare, Iboy, Arpin or Zever Jun and certainly, not Champvert. Pleeease?