LOVERS' QUARRELS

Tampuhan blues. Spats. Squabbles. Tiffs. Altercations. Disagreements. No couple is free of them. However, while women seldom run out of stories about how their partners irk them, men on the other hand will claim "My wife and I never fight; but we have our disagreements," What we have here underscores how men and women look at the same thing or issue differently. One way of looking at it is that women make a fuss about little things and "blow it out of proportion" thus petty argument can become away, and that men are too dense or not sensitive enough, they can't see what the big deal is -- di man ni away, nagsulti lang ko nga wa ko ganahi sa imong gibuhat.

TIME MANAGEMENT

Men are particular about time. women, it seems, don’t behave with the same sense of urgency. They often keep their partners waiting and men don’t like that . Shirlyn learned this much about Rico when they were still going steady. "Once I arrived late for our date and he scolded me, " she recalls. "He said, 'Di ba sabot nato alas-sais, unsa na man ron orasa, alas-otso na.' Seven years since they tied the knot, she adds, "maayo na kaayo kung mohulat na siya og 15 minutes. Di pa gyod ko tinggan."

Pierre, married for 15 years, complains that his Pia does not seem to appreciate the importance of punctuality. "I am particular about time and I try to teach my children to do the same," he says. "If they dilly dally, I don’t wait for them." He does try to set an example by also leaving their mother behind if she takes too long. "I don’t want my kids to think their mom is exempted from this rule," he explains. Of course, if the children are not around, he’d wait for her.

The other problem about time is when one of the two spends too much time away from home. This is especially sa among overworked men whose wives stay at home. Take Danny and Ressie, who were wed three years ago. Danny used to be a waiter for a caterer. Not only did he work late at night but even on holidays and weekends. "This was hard on my wife because she was always alone at home," he confesses. "She wouldn’t eat or sleep until I arrived, and I often got home at midnight or past, " he adds ruefully. Fortunately, he was able to change jobs and she soon bore their first child. As utility man-janitor, he works late only occasionally. "She works late only occasionally. "She doesn’t complain much anymore because the baby keeps her preoccupied," he notes, "Pero masuko gihapon siya kung motrabaho ko og Dominggo kay wala na kuno koy panahon para sa pamilya".

Ramon and Venice have been married for 13 years. They work for the same company so one would naturally expect they both understand the demands of their jobs. On the contrary, Ramon feels his wife devotes more time to her work than he does. "While I look forward to going home to the children she’s still up in her office finishing something." He theorizes that they have different ways of responding to the work pressures.

DRIVING

"We bicker almost every day about his driving," admits Liezl, married to Paul for five years." He is easily provoked by reckless drivers and gets reckless himself in the process." For this reason, she often arrives early for work and other appointments, albeit in a bad mood.

Rudy, married for 25 years to Nora, looks at it from the driver’s point od view: "I don’t like it when she meddles with my driving." He further elaborates, "She often admonishes me whenever I lose my temper with the other drivers" Rudy also complains that it peeves him when they would go out together and she wouldn’t tell him early on that she wanted to make one or two stopovers on the way. He gripes, "nganong dili magsulti daan."

Mild-mannered Jerry confesses he turns into Mr. Hyde when he’s driving Baby, his wife of 18 months, is thankful for the positive influence of Couples for Christ in their lives. "Lately, before we go out together, we say a little prayer and ask the Lord for more patience." She observes that his driving temper has been improving.

VICES

The conventional line is that husbands have vices whom wives try to reform. This is a never-ending battle of wills which is resolved only later in life when both parties least expect it.

When Marit tried to convince Cerge to quit smoking, he asked for an incentive. Their agreement, solemnized by a handshake, was that he’d kick the habit as soon as she buys him a new car. One year today since he got the car, Cerge is still smoking one pack a day.

Nora often complained about Rudy’s smoking and drinking. "Baho kuno ko," he says with a grin: The more she nagged him, the more he did it until his doctor warned him about his deteriorating health. It will be one year this June since he stopped smoking. He continues to enjoy golfing and gulping "my only vices."

Couple number 10 she’s one and he’s o "fight " about his weight and eating habits. "Nidaot na lang ko og diet-diet to set a positive example," Vera complains. They are going 11 this year and she worries about Luis’ health because his family has a history of cancer. His midnight snacks often irks her and when she’s in a bad mood, he tries to do it in secret. "Maglagot ko kay bisan’kanang snacks nga akong paliton in kaso gutomon ko, siya’y makahurot, " she grumbles jokingly.

CHILDREN

"My husband is more strict with the children. I feel bad when he disciplines them," Liezl declares. She admits that she has a pusong mamon and Paul sometimes warns her to be tougher on the kids when they’re misbehaving.

The reverse is true with Menmen and Jane. "He could never say no to our two daughters so he defers to me to give the final say," she affirms. "Mao nang ako pirme ang mogawas nga kontrabida."

"My wife alleges I am too easy on our children," Ramon says. "For example, I am generous with their allowances because I want them to have what I never enjoyed as a child. She sometimes disapproves of this."

He pampers them." Venice reacts."I don’t want the kids to think they can have anything easily because they won’t learn to appreciate the true value of things. They should work for it."

ANYTHING, EVERYTHING

Politics. Mediaman Cerge confesses he gets tired of hearing and talking about politics and the problems besetting the country. "Pastilan day, hangtod pag-katulog nako ang akong kadu’g mag-yawyaw gihapon og politika, puol kaayo," he jokes.

"I am a battered husband ," he quips. "My wife batters me intellectually." His Marit happens to be a political science major, feminist and environmentalist; she has travelled all over the world working for the United Nations. "She’s usually right," Cerge says. Marit was surprised to hear this. "He never says that when it’s just the two of us," she exclaims.

The car. "Once of the worst arguments we had started because I pestered him to wash our pick-up," Shirlyn looks back with a smile. It riled her why her Rico delegates the task to other people, and he couldn’t understand why she was so insistent he do it himself. In the heat of the moment he yelled at her "Nganong nag-away man ta kagamay ra ani nga butang?" She shot back "Ambot nimo, bahala ka!"

The house. "When we had our house built, we argued a lot because of conflict of tastes and also because my husband is a thrifty man," Jane admits. She recalls buying the lights without consulting him and paying from her own pockets. "Finally, as a compromise, we agreed that I handle the interior decoration while he oversees the garden and Landscaping," she remarks. The arrangement has worked well. "Once I surprised him with a set of antique furniture which he like very much," she adds, "but he also said he didn’t want to know the price."

Pregnancy. "Kadtong mabdos pa ko when I stayed home most of the time, masuko ko for any small or big reason," Baby reflects, "In hindsight, maybe I just wanted to get Jerry’s attention." She keeps herself busy nowadays with the baby and a business of her own.

KISS AND MAKE UP

The different stages of marital spats can go like this:

"Dili magtingganay."

"Sometimes, one of us would force the issue until it is fully discussed and resolved."

"We sit down to discuss our different fully. Whosoever fault it is, sometimes he apologizes, sometimes I do."

"We go to a place where we can be together, like a bar or restaurant, where we would pour out what we think and feel about the issue."

"We give each other space and time to cool off."

"One of us breaks the ice, then we become "friends" – without discussing the subject again. Mora lang gud og way nahitabo.

"One of us cracks a joke, then we laugh together."

"He puts his arm around me when we’re in bed. The minute he whispers ‘I love you’ in my ear, I start to melt."

"We take a bath together and scrub each other."

"When I’m mad at him he tries to behave for a week then he reverts back to his old ways."

The art of reconciliation almost makes up for the tears, the angry words and hurt feelings. Love, they say, makes the world go round. But it is friction that adds the spark to keep the flame burning. Reconciliation is the glue that keep everything together. Christine, married for 15 years, sums it up best: " I like fights because what happens afterwards, when we kiss and make up, is passionate and romantic."