A LIFE OUTSIDE SAN MIGUEL
(A letter to my friends written in March 1998)
Guys and gals,
Doing nothing except pondering the mysteries of life with my computer.
Guess by now most of you have read "The Things I Do for San Miguel" in my website. Some are probably wondering what I am complaining about.
Edison you put it quiet well when you wrote:
"If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family. An unwise investment."
I quoted back to you a phrase from the book "The World According to Garp" by John Irving (thanks Mark):
"If you are careful," Garp wrote, "if you use good ingredients, and you don't take any shortcuts, then you can usually cook something very good. Sometimes it is the only worthwhile product you can salvage from a day: what you make to eat. With writing, I find, you can have all the right ingredients, give plenty of times and care, and still get nothing. Also true of love ... "
That is exactly how I feel about work and pets -- my efforts are paid, rewarded and reciprocated. Not so with writing and relationships.
Annepely, you added:
"And even if what you cook isn't that good, it'll still fill you up ... [Writing] doesn't feed me or pay my bills."
We work in order to earn money to feed, clothe, educate and secure the future of our families. We also work to secure our own place in the sun, to achieve self-fulfillment when and where our efforts and talents are recognized and rewarded. We actually have to leave home to "find ourselves." To make a difference to the community, the society, the country, and the world at large.
There is a bigger tragedy outside of spending more time at work than with our loved ones, and it is being chained to a work that we don't love at all. I love to work. I love my work with San Miguel. But surely there is more to me and more to life than San Miguel. I asked myself that question when I realized I didn't have a life outside San Miguel: all the people I know in Cebu, my social circle, my afterhour activities were all tied to San Miguel. Either that or my family. I spend my holidays in Surigao, attend parties thrown by relatives, shop for stuff to give to my brothers, and go out with my parents on movie and dinner dates on regular and special occasions like Valentine's, birthdays, etc.
With downsizing, all we talk about now is "life after San Miguel." In my case, I am willing to settle for a life outside San Miguel. Five years ago I started writing my articles and columns, splurging my savings on foreign travels, making new friends, going out on nature trips, and lately, devoting great energy and attention to my website.
Made a list of things I want to do or have someday. Like go back to school, to study and teach. Get married and raise children. Possible but not easy, not for as long as I am doing what I am doing with San Miguel, not with its unpredictable schedule and travel demands, or the pressure to excel and be productive at all times. When I come home at the end of the day, numb, tired, my mind blank, my emotions dead I wonder: Is there any of me left for me? It's pathetic that I only have my cat and computer to look forward coming home to.
I know I will eventually have to leave San Miguel before I miss out on something important out there. I'm certain I will find a job that I'll love and enjoy. San Miguel is not the end-all or be-all of my existence. Better to take the initiative and make things happen while I'm at my peak rather than wait for chance or circumstances when the company finds no use for me. My youngest brother is graduating from medical school next month. I should quit mothering my brothers. It's not healthy, especially for me. I feel utterly lost and useless that I'm no longer needed or wanted around.
I am reading this book "Endangered Pleasures" by Barbara Holland. Two articles offered a balanced perspective about the joys of working and not working. Make these your food for thought this weekend ...